There are a lotttt of factors that go into the decision of whether to have another baby. You have to consider your partner's wants, your finances, your fertility, your mental health, your support system, your values, the list goes on…. We have two and we always knew we wanted at least two. We were in the discussion of having a third baby and have now paused that discussion (for now). So I wanted to share the swirling thoughts I have had about this topic, in hopes to help you sort out your own thoughts.
Our story
Okay, so first, our back story. When I got pregnant, I wanted to have a couple kids back to back, basically as close as possible. My sister and I are 16 months apart, I love it, and I wanted the same for my babies. Well, that didn't happen. I was like a year postpartum and I still hadn't gotten my period back. We night weaned, I eventually got my period back. I got pregnant on the first go. We actually were pregnant with twins, but found out at the 6 week appointment was not viable so there was one sac that was empty and one sac that is my now baby. So we ended up with our girls being pretty much exactly two years apart. I did a video on the pros and cons of this age gap, which I actually have really come to love.
But, same thing is happening to me this go around. I am at 13 months postpartum, still haven't gotten my period back, we started dabbling in the night weaning because we wanted to try for a third baby, and then both of our girls got super sick and I just nursed my babe to get her through the night and comfort her.
The debate
Now, after the halt on night weaning, the discussion of whether we want a third or not has gone back on the table. When we first started having kids, we really never had a number. I just knew at least two. After we had our second, we decided that was it. We had two beautiful girls and we were done. We wanted to “get back to normal life” and start traveling again. Then, for a brief moment, we decided we wanted another and this is the best time for us to do it. Now, we are back to undecided.
I loved the chaos and business of my friends that had like 5 siblings. I don't think I would do more than 4. I wanted to try to take it a kid at a time, but that's tough. A part of me thinks maybe we wait a year or two to have a third, but if we do that, it could make it tough to have a 4th.
I told my partner I need to table the discussion for a little. Once we did this, stress felt like it was instantly lifted off of me.
I didn't even realize how much anxiety making a decision on a third baby was giving me. Not only did pausing the decision alleviate the stress of deciding whether or not we wanted another kid, but we also would have had to move if we had another because our current house isn't big enough and now suddenly our house is okay again and that feels great. It's also allowing me to put more effort towards my business again which is something I have been wanting to do for a while.
How is it possible?!
Part of the reason I think I had a lot of stress about the thought of a third baby was because when my two babies would simultaneously have a meltdown or both be super tough at bedtime, I kept thinking to myself “how am I possibly going to do this with three?!”.
The minivan
I also just bought a minivan in preparation of a third baby. So, at first when we put a pause on baby number three, I was like “oh my gosh why did I just buy this van if I don't even need it” but honestly it has now become kind of like the adventure van where we can pack stuff and go, invite friends, etc. So I'm super on board with the minivan. And who knows, I might need the extra room down the line.
Being in flow
I told my therapist recently that I feel best when I am “in flow”. So 100% focused on work while they are at daycare or with a babysitter and then 100% present with them (and not working) when we don't have child care.
I always felt a sort of flow state when I was traveling like okay, I'm gonna go that way and I'm all in and it always worked out and felt amazing.
And once we paused the third baby talk, I felt this flow state come back and I felt much better. I got to feel so much more present and blissful with my babies.
Manageable motherhood
Things also just feel manageable right now. We went on lots of trips and things growing up and my mom said that they wanted two kids, one for each hand, on purpose so our family was physically able to do those things.
We are planning a staycation and a trip to Colorado for a wedding, and both feel very doable and like they will be a lot of fun. If we had a newborn we probably couldn't do those things. I have missed doing those kinds of things.
It feels like a tight-knit family that is in the groove. I feel like we have time to share with neighbors, friends, family, etc. that we probably wouldn't have with three.
So right now, I feel great about having two for the time being.
Finances
This is honestly a huge thing to consider with having more babies as well. It's totally something you can figure out if you're really wanting another kid, but it is something to think about.
It seems like the major finances (at least at a young age) and medical and daycare.
Mental health
Mental health is another huge factor to consider.
My hormones go absolutely insane during pregnancy and postpartum so because my pregnancy/postpartum hormones make me feel so unhappy, my husband said after our second that he wanted to be done because he just wanted me to be able to feel happy and enjoy life.
When we were thinking of having a third, I was planning to just power through and we totally could do that and it would all work out that way too.
In general, I'm learning that I need “life things” to look forward to (like our staycation and trip to Colorado). That has helped a lot.
Overall, the toll of another baby on your mental health is a giant thing to think about, whatever you decide.
I'm SO grateful that my partner is open and willing to ebb and flow with my emotions and desires. I hope you have that too. I also hope that whether we have the same perspective or different, these thoughts help you work out some of your own debate about having a third baby (or just another baby in general). I've gone back and forth a lot and I might change my mind again tomorrow (and you might too). That's okay! But I challenge you to reflect on what helps you feel “in flow” and roll with that until you don't feel in flow anymore.
