Okay, the first year of my babies' lives was SO hard on me. I really struggle with the newborn phase but I also know that I am my own problem (and I would do things the same way if we had another). But, while first year of baby's life is really not my favorite, it gets so much easier after year one. I LOVE toddlers, I love teaching, and I love learning with them. It's so fun!
I make the first year of baby's life so hard
I have a tough time during the first year after having a baby. I want my cake and eat it too. I never understood that phrase until now. I want to spend 24/7 with my kids… but also have a break. I want to see and know everything they do… but also love to work. I want to do what feels intuitive… until intuitively I know they need me to comfort them, but I'm exhausted.
My second postpartum was better
I seriously enjoyed my second postpartum exponentially more. My first postpartum experience was pretty gnarly but the second time around I think I just had so much less stress about trying to do everything perfectly. I felt way more relaxed especially around sleep, which was one of the big things that gave me anxiety the first time around. I released a lot of that pressure the second time.
Newborns feel pretty easy when you have a toddler
We are lucky that our second baby is seriously like the most chill baby ever, but either way, babies sleep a lot and can sleep in the middle of chaos for the first few months so the toddler is honestly more work.
But, month 4 to 12 is the HARDEST time for me. At that point, babies get adult sleep cycles so they can be woken up a lot more easily by light, noise, etc. and it just makes it soooo tough for me.
Intuitive parenting
I feel like I do intuitive parenting. I do whatever feels right and then I try and find the resources behind that feeling. My spouse supports these intuitive parenting decisions for all the things we do like floor beds, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, childcare, etc. so we're on the same page, which is a huge factor.
3 things I do to make it hard on myself
Alright, so I know I'm my own problem in making the first year so hard. And yet, I feel right about the choices I have made because I think they're ultimately the best thing for my baby and my family.
There are three specific areas where I know my decisions contribute to making the first year difficult. Let's get into it…
1. Breastfeeding on demand
When I had my first, I was under the false illusion that pumping was more work than breastfeeding. I was like nah I don't want to carry the equipment and have to wash all the parts, not to mention the bottles.
Well, couple things…
If you're “full” and your baby isn't hungry anymore or decides to go on a nursing strike, you still need to release that so there's not so much pressure and discomfort.
AND, I could never leave for more than like 3 hours. Until they're between like 4 and 8 months, they can't do any form of solids at all so you're really their only form of substance. It's around the clock, all day and all night. It's a 24 hour service at the demand of your baby and that can really wear ya down when no one else can feed the baby, put them down (if you nurse to sleep), etc.
This also complicates the childcare thing. I know that they could figure out how to feed her and how to get her to sleep without nursing if they needed to. But, since I work from home (and for myself), she didn't need childcare.
See what I'm saying about making this hard for myself? There were options, there were opportunities to make it less hard, but I didn't take them
2. Childcare
Like I said, I make childcare so difficult…like virtually impossible because I nurse her to sleep. And again, I know if they had to figure it out, they would. And my baby would be fine But, since I work from home and for myself, they didn't have to go to daycare.
I read Cribsheet that says that for the first 18 months it's really good for them to be with moms and after that, it's really good for them to be in social environments. So, then I was like hmm maybe they shouldn't be in childcare until 18 months. Well, that means I'm trying to work from home and simultaneously be childcare for them a lot of the time. But, I have gotten nannies/babysitters around 6 months that just come for a couple hours a few times a week and watch them so I can get some work done (or shower or run errands).
We actually are about to start my youngest in daycare and I'm kinda nervous because she is my barnacle baby that likes to be attached to me all the time. With a nanny, it's easier because I'm still nearby but drop off is different. My oldest was basically like peace out, see ya mom and didn't even turn around, but with this one, I don't think that'll be the case.
3. Co-Sleeping
I have a whole podcast on co-sleeping (ep 37) where I talk about how we do it logistically with two, the safety elements, why I love it, etc. I also have a video on it about how I got 275 extra hours of sleep in the first year because I truly did. Some people cannot sleep well with a baby in bed, but I cannot sleep well without my baby in bed.
We did try sleep training my oldest and it didn't stick because I didn't make it stick. It was working, but then she got sick and we switched back to co-sleeping and never looked back.
I'm basically the sleep prop that my girls need at this point, which is hard and leaves you little alone time when you're alone with them all day and all night, but it works for us.
Do what feels right for you
So, that's pretty much it. Breastfeeding on demand, my choices around childcare, and co-sleeping are the three things that I do and I love that also make my first year super intense. We do a few other things like Elimination Communication and a couple other things that just require extra effort when you're low on energy and high on hormones. Again, I enjoy these things and don't regret them, but sometimes I just feel like I need a break and can't because I've set things up that way. We do have options and absolutely can shift things as needed in the future, but I just wanted to share this because a lot of these things you kind of get into because they sound good, without thinking through the demands of them.
I will also say, having my first really took a toll on my mental health because I feel like I was fighting for my old life back. With my second, I've totally embraced motherhood, and am not fighting it anymore.
Either way, after the first year, it's easier. Their sleep gets more consistent and there's a little bit less change. The first year there's teething, short naps, learning to crawl, it's a lot of ups and downs. And at a bout a year, things level out as they develop some skills and independence and it becomes so much fun to watch them learn and grow.
I hope this helps you consider another side of things. These are my choices and I'm happy with them, but they do make me a bit crazy sometimes and I think it's important to understand all the facts and all the pros/cons when making these decisions for your family.