Partner Resentment With Kids

I want to talk about partner resentment. And this is coming from someone who had HUGE partner resentment. I used to think things like “wow it must be nice to just get to leave and go to work”, “how nice you got a workout in”. Now we are in a very, very solid place where we work as a team. But, it took a lot of hard conversations to get there and it took a lot of hard work on myself to get there. So, I want to share some of the insights we learned on the way.

Your relationship MIGHT go through a rough patch

It's very likely that your relationship will go through a tough transition for each baby that you add and it can often stay that way for a couple of years because it is such a big shift.

I don't want to make you feel like it's doomsday. Before our first, I vividly remember people saying things like “you won't get a good nights sleep for years” or “good luck having sex ever again” and we both just felt like ew why is everyone telling us all this negative stuff during a happy/exciting time. So, I'm telling this to you to acknowledge that having a tough transition is SO normal, but you also just have to be compassionate and graceful with each other and you absolutely will get through it. Just keep going, keep leaning into each other, and keep being teammates to one another.

Keeping communication open and finding a system that works for you and your family (please, don't worry about what everyone else is doing), is key.

Mindset and your perception is EVERYTHING

This is my number one thing. MINDSET.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of mindset around this topic. When I made a conscious decision to try to see things from my partner's perspective and to make the most of my situation whatever that was (exhaustion, being at home while my husband was at work, etc.), things improved tremendously.

I also made a motherhood mindset flip book where all of the questions are geared towards having you find the positive in your life because there are days where you can get stuck in a negative loop and sometimes you just need a question to shake you out of it. It's been hugely helpful for me.

The role of biology

BIOLOGICALLY, moms are wired to wake up to their babies. Dads are wired to wake up to a noise outside or inside the house as a protector.

Moms hear the baby crying and immediately wake up, dads typically do not. In same sex couples, this is the same. There is usually one partner who is more in tune with the baby noises and one who is more in tune with “protection” type noises.

You can resent your partner so much for not waking up every time you wake up to the baby in the middle of the night. You're kicking them awake, you're annoyed like “hello, I already went 3 times, can you go?”. My perspective on this reallyyy changed when I learned that this was literally biological (and that my husband had a different role when it came to wake ups).

One tired parent is better than two

One thing someone told me is that one tired parent is better than two.

If you're both miserably tired, it does no one any good. It's better to have one of you feel that way and the other one be better rested so they can pick up the slack a bit more.

For us, we co-slept and I breastfed. Dad didn't do anything during the night. In the beginning, I was like “I'm up feeding this baby all night and you're doing nothing, this is so frustrating” but then I realized two things. First, when the baby wakes up and I feed them back to sleep, I don't even know how many times we do it in a night because I'm like half awake. Plus, in the morning, my husband wakes up with the baby and I got to sleep in a little. Awesome. It's either a win and we're both pretty well rested. Or, if I can't sleep in, he helps pick up some of the duties during the day.

Side note – I have a ton of resources on safe co-sleeping and a full podcast episode (ep 70) on it. Even if you don't plan to co-sleep, I think it's important to know how to safely do it because at some point during a restless night, your baby will very likely end up in your bed even if it's just for a little bit. (Fun fact: sleeping on the couch with your baby is actually the most dangerous option). So please educate yourself on how to safely have baby in bed with you.

Parenting is NOT 50/50

This is a hard pill to swallow. But, parenting is not 50/50. It just isn't. And I really had to accept that, but coming to terms with it shifted my mindset yet again.

I decided to breastfeed and my babies did not take a bottle. Therefore, dad physically could not feed them. So it all fell on me. My kids also preferred me to hold them, sit by them, etc. And there were times where I would get so frustrated like “I just need a break, you need to go to your dad”. “Why can't your dad do that for you?”.

I had to realize that first, my husband also didn't love this. He felt like chopped liver and wanted to be involved and picked by his kids sometimes too. He also didn't enjoy seeing me stressed out and wanted to help where he could. And, on top of that, there are some physical things where it just can't be 50/50 like the breastfeeding example. That isn't going to change so accepting that and rolling with it is all you can do.

Mom's brain CHANGES when you have a baby

We've all heard of “mom brain” and it's a real thing. Your brain is literally turning off (or turning down) everything except for taking care of this baby and making sure they are fed, comfortable, and overall just taken care of. (aka your baby's survival and well being).

Planning things, writing an email, other daily tasks that take a little brain power become reallyyyy hard for your brain after having a baby because your brain knows that's not what is important right now and focuses on what is.

It takes 18 months to 3 years for this change to be completed and for it to fully come into “being a mom mode”. That is a fact. It took me until my second for this change to be complete. When I had my first, I just felt like Shayla with a baby and now I truly feel like a mom. The identity has completely taken over me and I let it. I (like many people) fought it for a long time because of the amount of responsibility and lack of freedom. It was very intense for me and I remember being very resentful of my partner, feeling like he had more freedom and flexibility than I did.

I had to change my perspective of being alone with a baby ALL DAY

One of my most vivid memories of being resentful towards my partner was thinking it must be so nice that he got to go to work. (And do other random things alone and/or out of the house). My husband was like hello, this isn't exactly a vacation or joy ride for me. I understood this but also envied the fact that his brain got to do something else. He was not in charge of this baby ALL day long.

Meanwhile, my husband was jealous that I got to stay home with the babe and get all of this time with our kids. That gave me another perspective where I realized that it was very special and I had to learn to be grateful for that.

I went from looking externally which led to me feeling trapped and like I was missing out on things and couldn't do anything because I had kids, to focusing inwards and realizing I get to be here. I get to witness all of these moments, understand what show my kids are referencing when they make certain comments, and overall just make memories with my kids. It's SUCH a cool thing to be so involved like that and truly understand.

If you're staying home with your kids, your life changes A LOT. It's insane the amount of things you used to be able to do or get done in an hour. You have to calculate a lot more about how you're going to get things done, if you're going to need help/childcare, how you'll get that help.

When your partner gets home, it can feel like “thank god”. I had a friend who made a deal with her husband that when he got home from work, he had an hour to decompress and do whatever he wanted and then the baby got passed off to him and she had time to do whatever she wanted/needed. Find something that works for you guys.

Staying home with the kids can make you resentful of your partner's “freedom” and ability to get a “break”, but when you shift your mindset on it, it feels like a privilege to get to stay home with them.

We look at different things to maintain

At first, I would grow so frustrated, like how does my husband not realize that the laundry needs to be done? There is literally a pile of clothes right there, waiting to be folded. There are dishes to do and toys to pick up…how do you not see that??!

Then, I don't remember how I came to this realization, but I figured out that we were looking at different things. I'm focused on cooking, cleanup, and random things in the house (like I listed), but my husband is looking at the things I'm not. Is the lawn mowed? When was the last time we got oil changes in our cars? These are things that I am very much not aware of and yet they're on his radar.

My husband is the most phenomenal man in the world and I'm so thankful to be with him and I still felt these frustrations. I think if you have grace with your partner, communicate on these things, and really try to see it from their side, it makes a huge difference. Plus, remember that what is on your radar are not necessarily the same things on theirs. If you can either ask for help on the things on your radar OR come to accept that you are responsible for taking care of different things.

Do the things YOU want to do with your kids

I talk about this all of the time, it's super important to do the things that you want to do with your kids. Are you at times going to do things you don't want to for them? Of course! But, overall, in terms of activities, it can make a big difference to each do the things you like to do with your children.

I like to go outside with my kids and do crafts with them so those are things I often do with them. My husband plays tag with them, does water balloon fights, races, plays cards in the backyard. I don't want to do that stuff. I want to paint and bake and go on walks. It's going to be different for everyone, so you have to figure out which things you want to do, which ones your partner likes to do, and what stuff you all like to do together. It improves your motherhood experience, making it more fun and exciting, and it helps you not be resentful of doing a lot of things you don't really want to.

When is the best time to have hard conversations?

Figuring out the best time and situation for you and your partner to have productive conversations can make them so much more successful.

For example, when my husband cooks he tends to not clean. I know some people have the “you cook, I clean” thing, but I am home a lot cooking and cleaning so when my husband cooks, I also want him to clean. There was one day where he literally cleaned the entire house besides his pan. So what did I say? “Why didn't you wash your pan” and as soon as I said it I could see him totally deflate. He was like I cleaned the whole house I thought you would be so excited and instead of feeling grateful, I was annoyed about the pan. Not the time to bring up the fact that it bothers me when he doesn't wash his pans.

Most of the time right when one of you gets done with work or chores, or when things feel chaotic is NOT the time to bring up these conversations. Figure out what scenario makes you and your partner respond best to the tougher conversation (whether it's about their cleaning habits, finances, if you want to have another baby, etc.) and really try to save those conversations for those moments/situations.

When something good happens, SOAK IT UP

I'm reading a book right now called Hardwiring Happiness. It's all about taking 10 seconds to really soak up and enjoy the moment and whatever goodness is happening. For example, when you're watching your kids really enjoy playing together, having a lazy Sunday morning, etc., taking some time to be like “wow this is so cool/special/nice, I'm so lucky and grateful”, instead of letting the moment fleet.

Our brains are literally wired to find the bad things. They good things are great but the bad things can make us die so our brains are literally wired to pick them out as a form of protection. (This is like a caveman thing but it's true about the way we are wired and so interesting). The more you consciously pick out and focus on the good, the more you train your brain to find the positives.

Social media for moms is the WORST

Social media is the devil when it comes to motherhood. There is SO much comparison, so many people saying you're doing things wrong, etc.

I used to see people showing off their husbands making pancakes on a Sunday morning and because my husband does shift work that doesn't really happen in our house. I used to think “wow how nice for them that their husband is cooking their family pancakes” and get realll riled up and upset. But then, I had to take a step back and realize that we might not get that, but we do get to go to the zoo as a family on a Tuesday when it's dead, or the mall, or all these other things that other families don't get to do.

When you're on social media, don't compare yourself or your spouse or your family situation to anyone else's without also acknowledging the great parts of your life. Remember how much those great things matter. I want to put this out there to challenge you to not use social media to compare. And if you're finding this challenging, do a really good audit of the accounts you follow and if there are accounts talking negatively about motherhood, or just ones that tend to make you feel negatively towards yourself or your experience, consider unfollowing. If that's what you need to do to keep yourself in a good mindset, do it! I follow a bunch of accounts of toddler activities and haven't done any of them. I want to do some of them, but I haven't so I've started unfollowing those accounts because it was making me feel guilty that I hadn't tried them (even though we were getting outside and doing other fun things). And guess what? I feel better about it now.

Think about how you want your relationship to FEEL

Really think about how you want your relationship to feel and take actions to make that happen.

I want our relationship to be warm and welcoming.For me, I used to be kind of grumpy when my husband got home from work because I had been home all day taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing a million other things and wanted him to do it now so I could relax. But he thought I was always grumpy and I explained I love my life and am happy, I just feel that way when he gets home. Now, I've really made an effort to be joyful when he gets home instead of being short and impatient. I really had to work on my energy around him and it's helped a lot.

Overall, just being open and communicating with your partner about the things you need, the things they need, what you're both feeling, and how you want things to be will make a bigger shift than you could even imagine.

Parenthood is ALSO hard for your partner

When I get resentful of my husband, I try to remind myself that he also is experiencing a major life shift. When the baby comes, there's a lot of attention on the mom, which is fair, she's done a lot of freaking work. But, Dad's life has also changed drastically. He's now supposed to support you AND the baby, where your focus is mostly just about the baby. And sometimes Dad needs a little support too.

If you're in need of some mindset work, I have a flip book for daily prompts, AND a mindset guide to help you accept your circumstances and reclaim your happiness. Getting your mind in the right place is the most important thing you can do not only to reduce partner resentment, but also to increase your own happiness. We're all better versions of ourselves when we feel good/happy.

I hope this encourages you and your partner to lean into each other, have grace for one another, and try to understand things from each other's perspective so you can be more in sync.