If you’re currently pregnant with baby number 2 or are thinking about getting pregnant with #2 and are feeling a little anxious about it, that’s how I was. I wanted to do it, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. Right now, my first is almost 3 and my second baby is almost 1. When I was thinking about this, I was envisioning giving advice to my former self who was 2 months away from her due date with baby #2, with her toddler screaming and her husband, terrified going “oh my gosh, there’s gonna be two soon. What are we going to do?!”. If that sounds familiar…this is for you!
I came up with a list of 7 things that I wished I wouldn’t have worried so much about.
Whether these 7 things are what you’re experiencing or if your experience has been different, the overarching theme is that it’ll be okay and you don’t need to stress so much!
When I was pregnant with my second I was asking all of my friends with two which was harder, zero to one or one kid to two? I even put polls out on my Instagram…
Like I said, it’s totally a unique experience and depends on the person. For me, zero to one was gnarly. I used to be carefree, full time traveler Shay and then I was tied down to this human who needed me 24/7 plus it was COVID and we were trapped at home so that was a HUGE adjustment.
Of course, when I had my second, we had our moments where I felt completely drained but I had many more moments where I was so stoked to have two. That’s motherhood.
Another thing I’ve heard other people talk about is that they’re afraid they’re not going to be able to feel enough love for two. Like their love cannot possibly expand that far to fit in another child. Please, don’t think twice about this. This will absolutely happen. Even if you don’t feel the immediate connection with your second, it will come. The love for your kids doesn’t split it half, it doubles. Just like the first time around, when you didn’t know you could possibly love someone or something that much, it’ll happen again and you’ll be wowed with how much love you have to give.
Okay, let’s get into it! Here's the advice for adding another baby to your clan.
1. Sleep
If you have read any of my other blogs, follow me on IG, watch any of my YouTube videos, have listened to a podcast episode, etc., you know that sleep is my number one source of anxiety with my kids. So, thinking about how to get two kids to nap, two kids to bed on time, two kids to sleep if we’re traveling or in a different environment, how I could do it alone since my husband sometimes has a goofy work schedule…STRESS!
Guess what?! We figured it out! For four months my baby basically lived in a carrier. She would be on me napping which just made my life way easier, plus she was getting the smell of me and the skin-to-skin contact. That meant she was happy, I was hands-free, and my toddler was happy because I could make eye contact with her and do things with her. I have a few carriers that I swear by.
Around 4 months, she was getting heavier and my back was starting to hurt so I transitioned her to floor naps for a bit. This also made things easier for me because around this time, my toddler decided she didn’t want to nap anymore. She does take naps at daycare and in the car if we go somewhere in the afternoon, but she just won’t if we’re at home. So, this way, I didn’t have to leave her to put the baby down.
And now we’ve moved on to the baby napping in her room but for my toddler, baby’s nap time is her TV time and that’s like a treat for her so she gets excited to have that time. This is not foolproof. I’ve absolutely had her banging on the door as I’m putting my second down. But, for the most part, it works. I’d say it works about 75% of the time. And when it doesn’t, have some grace with yourself and with your toddler. The fact that it works the majority of the time is a win and on the days it doesn’t work, they make up for it whether it’s a small car nap, sleeping in, falling asleep early. It’ll be just fine and they will sleep if they need to sleep.
I’ve made a tonnnn of progress on just letting go of sleep and trying my best but just letting it happen as it will.
I also got a great sleep tip from a friend that I haven’t tried but thought was so smart. She said to have a few certain toys that the toddler only gets to play with during nap time (or when the baby is nursing) so they get excited to have the time to go play with those certain toys. Genius.
2. Every baby is different
Everyone told me this but you don’t realize how true and how crazy this is until it happens. My first was so smiley. She would just smile at everything and really didn’t care if people would take her from me or bring her to a different room. She’s very much my personality. Big personality, super outgoing, very friendly. My second is very observant. And that’s not to say she isn’t friendly because once she gets to know you, huge smile, and is incredibly chill and laid back but SO observant. When you meet her, she just watches you. And is always just checking everything out.
And they can be so different in the things they like. One might love being in a carrier, one might not. One may love a swaddle and the other, not so much.
3. Your mothering will be different
Before having my second, I thought that I put so much intention into everything I did with my first and learned and researched so much that I would do everything the same.
For the most part, yes, especially the big decisions, but there’s definitely differences too. Part of it is because I don’t just have the baby to focus on, I have the toddler too so I can’t give the baby 100% of my attention all the time.
When I was pregnant with my second, I was seeing a therapist who told me “your second will cry more”. I was like “um NOPE! I don’t let my babies sit there and cry”. Well, she was right. My second cries more. Sometimes I just physically can’t get to her. She might be sitting there crying but I’m taking my toddler to the bathroom so she’s just going to have to wait and keep crying for a bit. And that’s perfectly okay.
There’s different situations where you have to decide which one to tend to right away. Assuming the baby is safe and doesn’t need me urgently, if my toddler has to go potty, she gets me and the babe has to wait a minute. If the baby is crying and my toddler asks for a snack, I’ll tell her she needs to wait a minute until I grab her sister.
Plus, with my second, if she wakes up in the middle of the night and cries, I’ll wait a bit to see if she’ll fall back asleep on her own first. I would never have done this the first time around.
4. Your own experience will be different
This is something they usually don’t tell you when you get pregnant the second time. Anything you didn’t enjoy about the first experience you start to dread. If you had a rough pregnancy, you’ll dread it. If you had a tough labor, you start to panic a bit about that part of it. Or, it can go either way. I had a positive labor experience the first time so I was worried the second time would be worse.
You’re just always comparing these things. Which is fine, but it’ll be different.
My postpartum the first time was very intense. I was super diligent to do everything I could to be better prepared the second time and have a better experience. I rested more, encapsulated my placenta, meal prepped/planned. And it was significantly better the second time around.
I recently had @mamapsychologists on my podcast and they said to come up with a postpartum care plan because when you’re postpartum and having some baby blues or anxiety or depression, the act of reaching out for help feels more daunting than just dealing with those horrible feelings yourself. So beforehand, write down a couple of friends that you can call, a doctor you like, a lactation consultant if you’re breastfeeding. That way these things and resources are in place and easily available for you. And this is easier the second time is easier in some sense because you have some experience and know what type of support you might need but also can be harder since you now have two people that need you.
Easier said than done, but really try not to stress about how your journey will differ. Do what you can to prepare, but then let it go and let it happen as it’s meant to.
I’ve been into the “mama mantras” lately because they help put things into perspective a bit. I do like “I can handle what comes my way/we can handle what comes our way”. Whatever happens, you or you/your partner will be okay. You always figure it out.
I also have been loving “be here now”. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed about all the things you have to do, what could go wrong, what the future holds. But, you’ll never get back the present. Live in it.
It’s kind of wild how the tension dissolves when I remind myself of these. The to-dos don’t feel so heavy and it’s just a reminder to look at the cute little features on your kids’ faces and think about how you feel with the sunshine shining in on your face or the raindrops on the window, just be present in your current space and figure things out as they come.
So figure out a mantra that will work for you to reassure you that even though things will be different (whether it’s for the better or not) and that either way everything will be okay.
5. You will get sick more often
This is just a truth to accept. You (and your kids and your partner) will experience more illness. That’s just what it is.
With my first, we were in COVID lockdown and the girl did not have a runny nose until 18 months. She just really wasn’t exposed to many germs before that. When was second was 3 weeks, her sister had COVID and she had bronchitis. If my first would have had been exposed to COVID at 3 weeks old, I truly would have probably had a full-on mental breakdown. But, the second time, my toddler was in daycare so she was like a walking petri dish and bringing everythinggg home. Your kids just get exposed to more things which does strengthen their immune systems. So it just is what it is.
6. Prep your toddler
There are a couple things you can do here, but I really do recommend doing something to try to help get your older kid adjusted and ready for a sibling.
You could get them a baby and help them practicing being gentle with them.
I got our older daughter a book that we read that explained how a baby was coming and it’s in mom’s tummy, and how it will change things and I truly think that helped a lot.
I also wore my carrier before the baby was born so she could get used to it. And always avoided “blaming” baby. So, instead of saying, “oh no, I can’t play with you right now, I have to put the baby done for a nap” I would say something like “Yes, I will play with you in a little bit, after I put the baby down”. That little shift in language changes your kid’s attitude about the new baby and it goes over better when they hear a “not right now” rather than a “no”. There’s less resentment towards the new baby.
Also talking to the baby. Which sounds a little silly, but even when the baby was a few weeks old, I would talk to her like “Esme, that toy’s not for you” which my toddler heard and then would allow her to both think “oh mom’s got my back” and learn to talk to the baby herself.
These small things helped us a lot.
7. You are going to do GREAT even though it’s hard!
You are capable of doing this.
You can do hard things. You’re already in “mom mode”/”family mode”. And, your life is set up for it.
Maybe you already have a daycare picked out, you know if you want to co-sleep or sleep train, you know what types of decisions you want to make for your family, etc. which you didn’t have the first time around.
There will be two kids so of course, it will be harder, but you will adapt and they will adapt. I promise, YOU GOT THIS! So try not to stress about these things until they actually happen.
I hope this was helpful. You’re gonna be great!!!
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