Third Baby: How We Decided & Major Factors To Consider!

When you're in your “typical” child having years, you always get the question, “are you done yet?”. It's all SO personal and there are SO many factors that go into that decision. Physically, can you do another? Mentally, can you do it? What about financially? What does your partner think? What do you guys WANT? I know how incredibly difficult it is to decide… I even asked the google “should I have a 3rd kid” and read some interesting blogs. So, I thought I'd make this to talk about how WE decided to have a third baby…. I hope it's helpful.

We decided on 2 kids

Before my husband, I dated a guy who had 5 siblings and wanted to have 5 kids to. At the time, I wasn't sure whether or not I could do that many but I loved their family dynamic and the fun of having so many people. So, I thought I would either just keep it at 2 or really go for it and have 5. No in between.

My husband has 3 kids in his family and I have 2 so I always kind of thought at a minimum we'd do 2 and he was pretty set on 2-3 too.

After we had our second, at first, we thought that was it. We were content. Things were feeling good, we were in a rhythm, and we really were just enjoying our family so much. Then, we started discussing possibly having a third… Until I started thinking about all of the logistics.

We love to travel. I literally traveled full time before we had kids and my husband (boyfriend at the time) joined me for several trips. We've also taken several family trips with our two girls. But when you go three, you have to get a new car, buy an extra plane ticket, you can't get a “standard” hotel room, you either need a roll away or two rooms. To me, it felt like once you teetered into three, you might as well just do four. Either way, you need the bigger vehicle, extra hotel room, etc. So, we decided to stop at 2 and I literally felt relief when we made that decision.

Then we changed our minds…

While we initially decided to table the discussion of a third, and felt completely at peace with that at the time, pretty quickly after, we ended up being like ehh I think we should have three. And we wanted to try to keep a similar age gap as the ones we have between our first two. So after that talk, we got pregnant with our third fairly quickly.

Why we changed our minds

The main reason we ended up wanting a third is because while we were super happy with our family of 4, we just didn't really feel “complete” or totally “done”. The gut feeling was saying we wanted more, so we did it.

Right now, we're feeling good about stopping at 3 kids. My husband says he's feeling 100% done at three, and I would say I'm feeling about 95%. And it doesn't make me sad to think about being done with pregnancy/newborns. Mainly because I love what comes next so much. Toddlerhood is where I THRIVE.

Alright, let's get into it…

Factor #1: what do you want motherhood/parenthood to look like?

My husband does shift work so I end up doing a lot of solo parenting and I really had to think about what I can handle by myself both at the house and outside of it.

Even if that isn't your situation, mental health wise and stress wise, how many do you think you can do while keeping your sanity and being the type of mother that you want to be? You don't want to be wishing things away or counting down to bedtime every night. Of course there will always be moments like this, but overall you want to be enjoying motherhood and your experience and soaking up the special time as much as you can.

Factor #2: support system

One factor in deciding what you can handle depends on the support you have. Do you have daycare, family in town that is able to help, can you have a nanny, etc.

For us, most of the help we have is paid help. So it's mainly a question of how much Seth and I can do. And, when we do need a break, how much paid help is feasible for us to hire?

Factor #3: pregnancy with children is HARD

Being pregnant while you have other kids is infinitely more difficult that when you're having your first and you can nap and rest whenever you want.

Chasing one toddler around while pregnant is exhausting. Chasing two? Oof.

Being pregnant with my 3rd, keeping up with the house, errands, work, etc. on top of the two toddlers is a STRUGGLE.

Could I do pregnancy again and have THREE kids to keep up with? Not sure.

Factor #4: our age

Our age is a factor in these decisions as well. My third, I'm having at 34. If I were to wait another couple years and have a fourth, I'd be 36. And realistically, if we have a fourth, I'd probably want a bigger gap so I'd be closer to my 40s and I'm not sure whether I want (or for sure will be able to) do that.

My husband is 37 and said if we have another he doesn't want to be 40 and having a kid. That's valid. If you don't care about that, also valid.

So determining whether you'll want to have a baby later 30s, into your 40s, etc. (and the biological factors) is another thing to think about.

Factor #5: mindset

I know that mindset will be literally everything for me with this third babe. I'm either going to sink or swim and I am choosing to swim. I have made a decision to keep my mind right, find the joy, and not let the stress get to me. (I have a mindset flip book which I know will be a huge help to me)

Of course I am going to feel stress and overwhelm, but I'm focusing a ton on mindset and I know that is what is going to carry me through.

If you can have that mindset about another babe, it might make sense for you. If you don't think you can, it might either be a “no” or a “not yet”.

Factor #6: what works with your schedule

A lot of times, you can get caught up in thinking I want (insert number) kids and sticking to that. If that “plan” you had doesn't work with your schedule…that's okay!!

This obviously can be your work schedule (can you balance another child with your career?), but it also can be the way you like to fill your social calendar, the amount of down time/free time you want to have, etc.

Factor #7: mental health

Do whatever is going to work for your mental health (as well as your partner's).

Mental health is SO incredibly important, especially in these years because the energy and vibe that you have while raising your children is huge. Prioritizing your mental health is so much more important than reaching “your number”.

And it's totally okay to grieve your number and be sad like “okay I thought we would have three and I'm sad that's not going to happen, but I know for long term mental health, it's the best thing”.

Factor #8: how previous pregnancies went

What your pregnancy was like is another thing.

For some people, they were sick for the entirety of their pregnancy. I had a friend who was severely depressed (like hospitalized depression) during pregnancy because of her hormones. She decided she was one and done because of that.

People that have complications during pregnancy may or may not want (or be able to) endure that again.

Stepping back and recognizing what life has thrown at you, rather than simply clinging to the idea or plan you had in your head, to decide what will bring you the most happiness and be “right” for your family, is the real thing you need to ask yourself.

Factor #9: your children's' temperament

This one is a little more unexpected, but if you have kids that are just insane and you feel like you're up to your eyeballs, that's valid.

Different kids have different personalities and different temperaments. You can't predict what those will be. It's so valid to decide you can't add another because you're so busy/stretched with the kid(s) you already have.

Factor #10: family size + house size

We have a 3 bed, 1 bath house. It's small. When our second was born, I thought our house was way too small. Now, bringing a third home, I'm like this is fine. We aren't doing a nursery so space isn't an issue for us right now.

But depending on how you do things, space can be an issue. And if you don't have the capacity for another in this house, are you willing to move? Can you afford to move?

Factor #11: PERSONAL factors

Making this choice is VERY personal.

There may be other individual factors that mean something to you or are relevant to you and your situation.

There's no wrong answer. It's whatever you feel right about.

Podcast episode

If you want anther perspective on this, I did a podcast with Abby Rosegreen and after their third, her and her husband pretty quickly decided they were done. She gave some great insight on their process of making this decision, especially when your “ideal number” doesn't match with your partner's “number”.

Do what's right for YOU

This has just been our thought process and the main things we considered when making this decision (and will consider again if we ever start to think about a fourth). Hopefully these are helpful and get you and your partner to consider some of the major factors when thinking about having another kid.

Whatever you decide, lead with your heart. At the end of the day, it's about doing what's right for you & your family!